Sometimes it feels as though the world and our lives are travelling so fast, through so many changes that it’s almost impossible not to feel overwhelmed. Within my own life I have noticed that many of us are going through huge life changes this past year or so and at times we don’t know which way is up any more … or that life is feeling stagnant and we are stuck deep in the goop and don’t know how to move out of it; whilst for others its as though they’ve fallen into this spiral of self recrimination and/or blame of ‘other’.
For myself, the changes that are happening have at times been so magical that I feel like I am flying and soaring like an eagle. This has been especially true as I launch with passion, joy and gratitude my business: Rainbow Labyrinth. Finally I am at the stage where I am confident about sharing with the World what I really really love to do. This is an exciting and scary process as I put myself ‘out there’ into the wider world as a Shamanic Psychotherapist and Holistic Counsellor, Artist, Meditation facilitator, Workshop leader, and teacher/student of life, living, learning, loving and laughing through creating and utilising tools of self-empowerment.
At other times, the experiences of my inner and outerworld have seen me feeling overwhelmed and struggling to find my way forward. In fact, life’s been especially intensified in various ways for me in 2014 including my marriage breaking up and me ~ at the wonderful ‘just new to’ 60 years of age having to rediscover who I really am!!
Initially, I was feeling overwhelmed as I came to understand what this new ‘status’ and new ‘age’ could feel like if I don’t stay true to myself. I had to stop and let myself experience: how I am within this?? and how / where / when will I go?? how will I manage?? what do I do first, next … ?? and what does really truly letting myself FEEL each and every one of these queries, these fears actually truly deeply feel like?
And the most exquisite key that my intuition nudged and nurtured me into allowing myself to surrender to is what has given me such a huge gift of deep inner peace and sanctuary. Do you know what is helping me so much?? It is the divine feminine essence of s -o -f -t -e -n -i -n -g. which means letting go of the ‘shields’ that ‘protected me’ from my true self and true feelings. Letting go of the false and distorted ways of ‘getting on with life’ and in so doing, betraying my self.
I am for probably the first time since my early childhood, really allowing myself to go deep into my inner heart space and S O F T E N.
I am allowing myself to embody the divine essence of feminine energy which is ‘soft’ not ‘tough’ like unbalanced masculine essence can be – the ‘model of accepted behaviour’ that Western Culture has insisted that so many of us conform to! This model of behaviour has caused a great deal of pain, suffering, anguish and inner torment if we [women, men, girls and boys] find ourselves have ‘not so nice thoughts and/or emotions’, depression and so on. And it hasn’t been helped by the ‘fluffy duck’ syndrome of some teachings and ‘leaders’ of the various religions and New Age community which insist that we deny our humanity and human emotions and instantly and at once transform ourselves into ‘nice’ people?? This unnatural and unnecessary pressure to conform has seen many folk feeling like ‘failures’ because they couldn’t meet the criteria for ‘acceptance’.
When I finally let myself surrender to softening I found … well it is kind of hard to put into words what ‘soften’ IS and FEELS like. What I did was allow myself to really deeply truly feel, experience and listen to, all the various emotions and fears that were surfacing for me. I wandered around the house like a lost sheep for a few days simply crying and crying .. and I kept on crying and crying. Then I noticed that I’d begun going through an ‘Autumn’ cleansing of my home and crystals and my inner self. Slowly, room by room I cried, cleansed, bathed, dusted and moved things around. After 3 days I suddenly realised I no longer felt so heavy, because I wasn’t trying to do what I’d always done as a single mum: ‘hold it all together’. I FELT SOFT, gentle, unburdened, and free.
I found myself then falling deeper into this softening experiencing until I became aware of the gentle presence of my celestial essence/higher self presence. And this was and is so exquisitely sweet. I truly deeply felt this huge love without conditions washing like gentle waves through every part of me .. my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, my defensive trigger patterns.
I noticed my breathing felt different and was no longer shallow and located in my upper chest. I was, and am, breathing joy into all of me. Love into all of me. I allowed myself to just do as much or as little as I felt to do in each and every moment. And I became softer and softer, and ever so gently more at peace and in harmony with ALL of me: the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
Softening into me has meant that the tears and fears, the sense of betrayal, the owning my stuff and accepting me and all my emotions and responses without judging myself, without judging my husband .. is allowing so much more to flow, to come to the surface and be honoured and held, to be heard … without my having to ‘be’ or ‘do’ anything!
All I have to do is soften … and in this, through this softening, I am able to accept and be present .. instead of running around doing a 1000 things so I wouldn’t feel what was really going on .. so I wouldn’t try to ‘fix’ ‘whatever .. especially myself … so I don’t walk on eggshells or tippy toe around when the energy is uncomfortable.
Softening means my defences and triggers are at rest, my mind isn’t doing whirling dervishes in my brain .. AND .. I AM here: present and in the moment and truly appreciating the gifts that softening is unveiling for me and in my life.
Softening has enabled me to reach out and share with family and friends whom I trust that I would like: support; a healing, a cuddle; to be heard; to do ‘nothing; and/or, ‘let’s go play’ – or whatever it is that is feeling right for me in the moment without analysing or judging myself or my emotions.
What i am discovering is that this surrender to soften is bringing with it much peace & freedom. I feel REAL.
And I am softening into ever deeper sensations of: gratitude … clarity … relief … release … wrapped lovingly in a much deeper sense of who I really am: the knowing that I am love, loving, lovable and loved in all my aspects as I am now.
I AM COSMIC FLOW in love peace and blessings, Lynn